Moving far from home, part 3

I've been doing a short series on the difficulties of moving far from "home" and family, and how some have dealt with it. (Read part one and part two.)

Back to my friend "Brian" who lives in Colorado, and his family is in South Carolina. Here's another observation Brian had, this time about his children's relationship with their grandparents.

Brian has several children, so naturally his parents (and his wife's parents) try to come visit as often as they can. Brian's wife has a sister who still lives in their hometown, so there's an interesting contrast between how Brian's mother-in-law and father-in-law relate to his children in comparison to his nieces and nephews.

Here's what Brian has noticed: his in-laws are a part of the "regular life" of his nieces and nephews. Because they live in the same town, the in-laws can attend school functions, recitals, etc., and see the kids on a regular basis. At the same time, the nature of "regular life" is such that they rarely get extended, uninterrupted time with their grandchildren.

On the other hand, when the in-laws come out Brian's way, they have regularly kept the kids home from school, and Brian has taken a few vacation days. Brian's family gives their undivided attention to his in-laws, as much as possible.

The contrast is significant. In a recent conversation with his mother-in-law, Brian and his wife learned that they (his in-laws) feel like they know Brian's children better, and that the children know them better, than their other grandchildren-- because Brian and his family live far away.

Obviously this would not be the case if Brian's in-laws were unable (because of schedule, money, health, etc.) to travel the great distance to see Brian's family. But since they are, in their case at least this is a surprising answer to what is surely a great concern for many.

Moving far from home, part 2

At our recent General Assembly I spoke with several friends who had moved a long way from "home" and family, and gleaned some interesting comments and reflections on their experiences. (Read part one here.)

Now let's consider a comment from "John" whose family is from Alabama, and who is now a pastor in California. Here's what John said:

"The best advice I received was from [a seminary professor] who said, 'you just need to negotiate into your terms of call that they will fly your whole family home once a year.' So we did-- and now there's a line-item in the church budget for $2,500 of airfare for my whole family to fly back!"

This is a great idea. Airfare is expensive enough for one or two, but John and his wife have several children. For most pastors, the cost would simply be prohibitive to think of paying for that every year, or even every other year. Or at very least, it might keep them from being able to afford other vacation time, as a couple or as a family.

With John's arrangement, however, they are free to simply not worry about the biggest part of the costs of visiting family. The first year they were there, John and his family flew back to Alabama around Christmas-- about six months after they had moved. Surely this was a great comfort, both to John's family and to their extended families.

The upside of this, among other things, is that the burden of traveling expenses is carried by neither John's family nor their parents or siblings. It's easy to think that extended family might simply travel out to see them in California, but that can get costly too (even if it is only one set of parents, with airfare for only two instead of five or six). This solution tempers that problem, at least a bit.

The downside, obviously, is that this represents a substantial financial commitment for the congregation. Some congregations may not be able to afford it. Others, while sympathetic, may not be willing to make such a large investment. (I would counter the latter, however, by pointing back to Brian's comment about how hard the decision can be to move so far from family, and suggesting that an unwilling approach in the short term may have unfavorable consequences in the longer term.)

Moving far from home, part 1

At our denomination's General Assembly last week, I had the chance to speak with a few friends who have accepted pastoral calls a long way from "home." Over a few posts, I'll share some of their wisdom.

First let me say this: I define "a long way from home" as meaning either simply too far to drive, or far enough that it requires several days (3 whole days or more) of driving to get from where you live to where your extended family generally lives.

Also, a quick disclaimer: I realize that the question of "home" is relative for some, and it certainly is loaded with implications, spiritual and otherwise. Here I'm using it simply to mean where the larger part of your family is, whatever place (or places) that may be.

So, first up is "Brian" who grew up in South Carolina. Several years ago, Brian accepted a call to be a pastor in Colorado; when they do the drive, it takes his family 3-4 days of solid travel to get back "home."

Brian commented that the most difficult part has been this:

"When we first accepted the call, we made the decision to 'put hand to plow' and not look back. Our mistake was in thinking that was a one-time decision."

This is a powerful reflection. Brian elaborated, stating that the decision was one they kept making on a monthly, weekly, and even daily basis. That being the case, it is easy to see how that would represent a regular struggle, individually and as a family.

Does that mean that a pastor cannot effectively minister in those circumstances? Not at all; in his years of ministry, Brian has been quite effective and a great asset to his congregation. But the struggle is there nevertheless.

How have they dealt with it? In Brian's case, they have driven back most years; by scheduling a week or more of family vacation after our denominational General Assembly, Brian's church is happy to cover most or all of the gas costs as an expense related to his involvement in the assembly, and yet he and his family also get to spend an extended period with their families. Often, his wife and children will spend the week of the assembly there, as well-- amounting to even more time with their relatives.

This arrangement is a great solution. Of course, it is contingent on the congregation being strongly committed to Brian's attendance at the General Assembly all or most years, which may not be a commitment that every congregation is able or willing to make.